Quick takes on Ted K and other films

The Northman is the latest from director Robert Eggers, whose last movie, The Lighthouse, was awesome. The Northman continues that awesome-ness(?) streak. The movie follows a Viking warrior named Amleth (Alexander Skarsgård), and his quest for vengeance. As a boy in 895 AD, he witnesses his uncle, Fjölnir, murder his owner brother (Amleth’s father, and the king of their small territory) and then abscond with his brother’s wife, Gudrún. Amleth himself escapes murder and grows to be a strong fighter, harboring revenge in his heart. When he hears of a group of slaves to be sold to Fjölnir, Amleth brands himself a slave and boards the ship. In the intervening years, Fjölnir has lost the kingdom he stole, and is now a glorified sheepherder, though he still has wealth enough to pay for a group of loyal fighters and slaves to work his lands. Gudrún is now his wife, and she’s given him a son. Amleth knows she is little more than a slave herself, and he wants to rescue her while also taking down Fjölnir, so he works his ass off to gain Fjölner’s trust. Only when he is close enough to his prey does he show his intentions, though he may not like the result he gets in the end. Steeped in Viking traditions, lore, and mysticism, I loved this move through and through. Fantastically bloody, with harrowing battles and wonderful intrigue, it is a thrill ride from the opening scene until the ultimate climax. A wonderful cast helps too (Skarsgård of course, but also Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicole Kidman, Ethan Hawke, and Willem Dafoe). ★★★★½

I avoided Michael Bay’s latest, Ambulance, when it hit theaters. It looked like your typical Bay “thriller,” which means lots of explosions, lots of background lights/sun/bright spots in the camera view, and crazy fast, sweeping closeups, jumping from character to character in a frenetic pace. When it hit Peacock during my free trial, I thought, “what the hell, why not.” Should have listened to my gut. This is the most boring thriller you’ll find, and it has every bad Bay trope under the sun, including some new fast-paced arial camera work thanks to his discovery of drones. A man needs money for his wife’s operation, and, desperate, he goes to his criminal brother for a loan. Rather than give a loan, the brother recruits him for a bank heist that day. Police break it up, so an easy getaway turns into an all-day chase across town, as the robbers try to make a getaway in a stolen ambulance, housing a cop shot by one of the two during the robbery. Yes, it is as ridiculous as it sounds, but not nearly as ridiculous as everything else that happens in this flick. Cops that ram themselves into everything EXCEPT the ambulance they are chasing (and how is a bulky ambulance running circles around these guys anyway?!?). The lead cop calling off the chase, not due to the dangers to the civilians nearby, but because he finds out his dog is in the backseat of one of the cop cars. The hostage EMT in the ambulance having to use a hair clip to tie off an artery in the hurt cop. C’mon Mike, you running out of ideas here. No redeeming value that I can find. ★

Lamb was a much-talked-about film from 2021. Out of Iceland, it was directed by newcomer Valdimar Jóhansson and starred Noomi Rapace as the only recognizable face stateside. She plays Maria, a woman who, with her husband Ingvar, lives on a remote sheep farm. Birthing season is here, and after a couple normal births, an odd baby is born to an otherwise normal sheep. The baby is born with a human body, but with a sheep’s head and one sheep arm. Rather than be repulsed, Maria, who has lost one child previously, decides to take “Ada” in the house and raise her as her own. Things would probably go on normal if not for the return of Ingvar’s brother, Pétur. He sees Ada, who is by now up and walking around on two legs, and wanders if Maria and Ingvar have lost their minds. The film is marketed as a fantasy horror flick, but it isn’t your typical horror movie. No jump scares, just a lot of ominous sounds over slow camera work, building tension until you are as taut as a wire. Most fans of this genre aren’t going to like the snail’s pace, but I dug it, though there weren’t any real surprises to be found. It does make you think a bit, which is always good. ★★★

Ted K is a biopic about Ted Kaczynski, the infamous Unabomber, and his reign of terror sending bombs through the mail in the late 70s until his arrest in 1996. Ted is portrayed by Sharlto Copley, most famous as the main character in the awesome film District 9. In this film, he is front and center and damn near the only person we ever see on screen. The film is told completely from Ted’s point of view. In the beginning of the movie, he has already given up on society and is living off the grid in a tiny one room cabin in rural Montana. As he sees encroachers into his quiet space (loggers, airplanes flying overhead, or kids just joyriding motorcycles on his land), Ted decides to do something about it, and begins shipping his bombs to people involved in technology, computers, or left-leaning college professors. Throughout it all, he writes constantly, and we the viewers get a peak into his notebooks. It would be easy to dismiss his writings as the ravings of a lunatic, but the film does an excellent job of pulling you into his world. As it goes along, I started seeing where he was coming from. Even while I still detested his bombings, hearing him talk about society’s complete reliance on technology, and how we are losing our humanity, I couldn’t help but nod a couple times. Kaczynski is (not was, he is still alive in jail as of this writing) a psychopath, but he’s not an idiot; in fact, he’s a math genius and undeniably bright. Copley does an outstanding job as the unhinged serial killer (who, as Ted reminds us, did not see himself as a serial killer; killers get joy from the act of killing, whereas he claims that it was only to bring attention to his goals). ★★★½

Every now and then I’ll throw one of these not-quite-classic-, not-quite-modern-films into the rotation, usually because it’s something I should have seen by now but never did. Today’s example is The Untouchables, featuring an all-star cast and telling the story of the takedown of Al Capone in 1930s Chicago. Kevin Costner plays Eliot Ness, with a team made up of Malone (Sean Connery), Stone (Andy Garcia), and Wallace (Charles Martin Smith). In a corrupt city where everyone from the mayor on down pays secret allegiance to Capone (Robert De Niro), Ness and his team are tasked by the government to put an end to his underground rule as king of the city. Having recently watched a handful of director Brian De Palma films, I knew what style to expect. It has the look and feel of a low budget flick, with Hollywood dollars behind it, and with De Palma at the reigns, there’s nothing subtle to be found. Not to mention he plays loose with the facts. It is mildly entertaining, but the overacting is a bit much (I can practically hear De Palma in the background shouting, “Give me more!”), and I would have preferred a lighter hand at the controls, not to mention on the editing table. ★★½

• TV series currently watching: Star Wars The Bad Batch (season 1)
• Book currently reading: The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by VE Schwab